How to be an Idiot Blogger that No One Likes

Michael Gray ranted a bit recently about how most SEO bloggers should step away from the keyboard. I disagree with him totally. I think there should be MANY MORE SEO bloggers because it helps keep people that may know what they’re doing away from search results that may compete with mine (and it’s hard enough already). I think the whole “How write and promote your blog that will make millions, get you laid twice a day, and help you live forever” concept is a bit tired, so I am going to attempt the alternative. This guide will absolutely not get everything that you write onto digg, nor will it get you worshipped by the world. I take no responsibility if you succeed at being an idiot blogger that no one likes.

20 Ways to be an Idiot Blogger that No one likes

1. Never spend more than twenty minutes writing a post.

2. Don’t research anything before you write – just talk out of your ass like you’re God’s gift to technorati, and link everything that needs clarification to it’s respective wikipedia page (you should be able to obtain a wordpress plugin for this).
3. Format articles to be either 50 words or 5,000 words and NEVER USE bullet points, paragraph breaks, and absolutely NO PICTURES. People hate scanning articles, and have all day to read what YOU write because you are special and write a blog.
4. Entice your readers by saying you have inside info on a topic, which your NDA procludes you from discussing.
5. Don’t edit anything. Don’t recheck your work. Say the same thing repeatedly. Repeat yourself. Make your point again, by changing the wording, and be sure you made the point you are trying to say with what you are saying in your writing.
6. Whine that no one ever links to you, and you can’t get your articles on digg.
7. Spend at least 50% of your posts explaining why the blogosphere is like an echo chamber.
8. Think people care about your life. Despite not writing for catster – everyone on the planet really should know that you have a cat that you love dearly. It’s very important to your job in computer networking. It is CRITICAL that your industry cohorts understand that you have the perspective of a feline owner. When people comment on their own cats, be sure to set them straight, and let them know that it’s really all about YOUR cat, and they shouldn’t be straying off topic.
9. Try to stay away from any semblance of an original thought process, and just regurgitate news, or write some agreeable commentary about a post you found from the Technorati top 100.
10. Spend less time writing your titles than booting your computer.
11. Don’t get any feedback from friends or family that understand the subject BEFORE writing your posts.
12. Never agree with anyone – even if it means contradicting yourself repeated times per day (you may do this with or without selling a company to AOL). Be sure to use the attack hook whenever possible.
13. Write about how to be a successful blogger with tons of traffic (and forget to mention it requires never leaving the keyboard)
14. Start a blog about politics or religion. Proceed to argue the supremecy of your God and political party.
15. Be sure to tell everyone all the private information you hear from friends or associates, because the world SHOULD KNOW.
16. Have no sense of humor unless it is at the expense of someone other than yourself.
17. Always promote your site when commenting on others, and create as many trackback links as possible in every post.
18. Vent all your frustrations about friends, family, and your boss, as well as their most personal secrets, because other people won’t be able to figure out who you’re talking about.
19. Don’t spend any time communicating with other bloggers unless it is to state reasons why they should link to you. Be sure you never link out to anyone else, unless it’s with a nofollow tag (you don’t want to leak your pagerank).
20. Always mention the news you will be breaking tomorrow, and restate it days after it is broke in case people missed it.

Yes, it is cold in New York, and I’m tired of shoveling snow, ready for spring, and there’s just a whiff of sarcasm in this post. If you are going to do a half ass job on blogging, article writing, or whatever you are doing, you will not succeed. You can’t make millions with a garbage product, and people aren’t going to listen to you if you just talk crap. Did I miss any ways to be an idiot blogger?

Todd Malicoat

More information about Todd Malicoat aka stuntdubl.