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How to be an Idiot Blogger that No One Likes

Online marketing information can change quickly This article is 7 years and 247 days old, and the facts and opinions contained in it may be out of date.

Michael Gray ranted a bit recently about how most SEO bloggers should step away from the keyboard. I disagree with him totally. I think there should be MANY MORE SEO bloggers because it helps keep people that may know what they’re doing away from search results that may compete with mine (and it’s hard enough already). I think the whole “How write and promote your blog that will make millions, get you laid twice a day, and help you live forever” concept is a bit tired, so I am going to attempt the alternative. This guide will absolutely not get everything that you write onto digg, nor will it get you worshipped by the world. I take no responsibility if you succeed at being an idiot blogger that no one likes.

20 Ways to be an Idiot Blogger that No one likes

  1. Never spend more than twenty minutes writing a post.

  2. Don’t research anything before you write – just talk out of your ass like you’re God’s gift to technorati, and link everything that needs clarification to it’s respective wikipedia page (you should be able to obtain a wordpress plugin for this).
  3. Format articles to be either 50 words or 5,000 words and NEVER USE bullet points, paragraph breaks, and absolutely NO PICTURES. People hate scanning articles, and have all day to read what YOU write because you are special and write a blog.
  4. Entice your readers by saying you have inside info on a topic, which your NDA procludes you from discussing.
  5. Don’t edit anything. Don’t recheck your work. Say the same thing repeatedly. Repeat yourself. Make your point again, by changing the wording, and be sure you made the point you are trying to say with what you are saying in your writing.
  6. Whine that no one ever links to you, and you can’t get your articles on digg.
  7. Spend at least 50% of your posts explaining why the blogosphere is like an echo chamber.
  8. Think people care about your life. Despite not writing for catster – everyone on the planet really should know that you have a cat that you love dearly. It’s very important to your job in computer networking. It is CRITICAL that your industry cohorts understand that you have the perspective of a feline owner. When people comment on their own cats, be sure to set them straight, and let them know that it’s really all about YOUR cat, and they shouldn’t be straying off topic.
  9. Try to stay away from any semblance of an original thought process, and just regurgitate news, or write some agreeable commentary about a post you found from the Technorati top 100.
  10. Spend less time writing your titles than booting your computer.
  11. Don’t get any feedback from friends or family that understand the subject BEFORE writing your posts.
  12. Never agree with anyone – even if it means contradicting yourself repeated times per day (you may do this with or without selling a company to AOL). Be sure to use the attack hook whenever possible.
  13. Write about how to be a successful blogger with tons of traffic (and forget to mention it requires never leaving the keyboard)
  14. Start a blog about politics or religion. Proceed to argue the supremecy of your God and political party.
  15. Be sure to tell everyone all the private information you hear from friends or associates, because the world SHOULD KNOW.
  16. Have no sense of humor unless it is at the expense of someone other than yourself.
  17. Always promote your site when commenting on others, and create as many trackback links as possible in every post.
  18. Vent all your frustrations about friends, family, and your boss, as well as their most personal secrets, because other people won’t be able to figure out who you’re talking about.
  19. Don’t spend any time communicating with other bloggers unless it is to state reasons why they should link to you. Be sure you never link out to anyone else, unless it’s with a nofollow tag (you don’t want to leak your pagerank).
  20. Always mention the news you will be breaking tomorrow, and restate it days after it is broke in case people missed it.

Yes, it is cold in New York, and I’m tired of shoveling snow, ready for spring, and there’s just a whiff of sarcasm in this post. If you are going to do a half ass job on blogging, article writing, or whatever you are doing, you will not succeed. You can’t make millions with a garbage product, and people aren’t going to listen to you if you just talk crap. Did I miss any ways to be an idiot blogger?

More information about Todd Malicoat aka stuntdubl.

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  • http://www.trulybored.com Gamermk

    I got the impression that every time you made another point it was like you were at the batting cage.

    “And I hate this!” SMACK!

    “And this!” SMACK!

    “And especially this, god help you if you do this!” SMACK!

    Anyway I liked it. Felt like something I need to read every so often to remind myself that blogging isn’t a game and if you really want to be good at it there are some rules you should follow. Thanks for a great, informative post.

  • http://www.viewsource.com Jenny T

    haha, being an innocent (and somewhat voyeuristic, though aren’t we all when reading blogs?) bystander, this has to be my favorite of the bunch of posts everywhere about this stuff. Good jorb!

  • kelvin newman

    It’s been interest seeing this episode pan out. I don’t think there is a huge problem with there being hundreds or thousands of bloggers out there. Digg, Google & good old fashioned intuition will help sort the wheat from the chaff.

    The people complaining that no one links to their blog just seem childish, like they have some right to be recognised as top blogger.

    I write because I enjoy it, if anyone reads it’s thats bonus, if people like it even better. If no-one reads it it’s not the end of the world. And Blogging about it that doesn’t make it any more likely that they will become recognised.

  • http://www.srclarke.com Todd Mintz

    21) Add banners from every affiliate program you’ve ever signed up for, even if they are in no way relevant to your blog content.

  • Brian Mark

    You forgot to mention that people should always blog about stuff they have no interest in, because the lack of passion comes through nicely. That always makes for a blog that nobody reads.

  • http://www.seomoz.org Rebecca Kelley

    Very funny! If I had written something like this on SEOmoz, though, I probably would have gotten 10 thumbs up and 9 thumbs down. Such a polarizing audience…

  • http://www.seomoz.org Rebecca Kelley

    What the?! Why the hell is Rand showing up as my avatar? He’s taken over my life! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

  • http://www.cre8pc.com/blog Kim Krause Berg (cre8pc)

    Pardon me…just wanted to test to see if Rand shows up as MY avatar.

  • http://www.stuntdubl.com Stuntdubl SEO

    Hey Rebecca –

    The avatars are pulled from mybloglog – you might want to add yourself as an author in your community. That MIGHT fix it.

  • http://www.half-geek.com Half-Geek

    I agree with Gamermk completely – for the first few points I started seeing the reflection of my red face in the monitor…………but all in all a great informative post. Good stuff Todd – keep it coming :-)

  • http://www.searchenginejournal.com Loren Baker

    Wow, I’ve been following 90% of these rules since day one. No use in changing now :)

    Yeah, Rebecca needs to list herself as a co-author for SEOmoz or not link to SEOmoz when leaving results.

    I experienced this before with MyBlogLog and blogged about it when Carsten’s face was showing up for my comments.

  • http://www.fivepercent.us/ Tom Harrison

    And whatever you do, never, ever, ever be snarky.

    Oh, and it helps to send a cease-and-desist letter to any site not meeting your high standards of ethics who might decide to link to yours — no bad neighborhoods.

    (joking)

    Tom

  • Rebecca Kelley

    I don’t want to join MyBlogLog…

  • http://www.seopittfall.com Stephen Pitts

    Thank you,
    You definitely got stirred up about this like I did, your points were valid and not dismissive, encouraging sarcasm is always welcome.

    I will agree with Kelvin, I blog for me! It may be selfish, but it’s the truth. Oh, I also read other blogs to stay informed and for original thought, not because the blog is on the “A-List.”

    I’m not being snarky, but there is one less blog in my reader!

  • http://www.sugarrae.com/blog/ Rae

    >>>straying off topic

    Oh my god. Come on Todd – that was a HORRID pun. I am *so* bringing that up on Friday night… over, and over, and over…

    Becs, you almost made me spit out my soda with that second comment. Hahahahahaha.

  • http://www.sugarrae.com/blog/ Rae

    Wait… wait… I just remembered the queen geek pickup line I told you I used the other day… fuck… that was a FABULOUS pun. Fabu baby. It was awesome. Don’t publish my pickup line… please? :P

  • http://socialmediasystems.com/blog Solomon Rothman

    Blogging is self expression, just because some people don’t have the ability (yet) to reach a large audience and contribute some amazingly new information doesn’t mean they should stop blogging (as michael grey suggested) I think they should blog more.

    Writing, organizing your thoughts and becoming more effective at broadcasting your passion takes a lot of practice. Many of the people that are “natural” bloggers, spent years in other writing related professions / hobbies. Honing a distinct voice and building up an audience base could take a decade. Blogging is in it’s infancy (for most professions). When I say decade, Of course you can get traffic almost immediately from a new blog, I just mean to reach a substantial audience of regular readers.

    I even think it’s even ok to be idiot blogger. You probably won’t get much traffic or attention, but I think the feedback and interactive conversations that blogs spark are valuable to even the most aragant of authors.

    In informal speak, you say something that BS, other bloggers are going to call you on it, and those other posts / comments are going to be found. This is what makes blogging such a great way to develop strong argumentative and debating skills.

    I think I’ll use this comment to introduce myself as well. Hi Todd, I’m Solomon I spend 12 hours a day on the computer doing search marketing / web design. You probably don’t know me, but I’m going to start serial ranting… I mean commenting on your blog (if I have something valuable to add). I’ve been a subscriber for awhile, but I only have so much time reading / commenting time. Your Marking blog is now on the top of my list to start reading and giving feedback.

  • http://socialmediasystems.com/blog Solomon Rothman

    Mybloglog pulled the wrong avatar for me as well and I’m even logged into mybloglog and looking at my correct profile in another tab. Seems like the avatar plug-in is a bit buggy.

  • http://www.stuntdubl.com Stuntdubl SEO

    Hey Solomon – thanks for the intro – good to see you here. It’d be great to have feedback on articles, though I haven’t been writing much except the occassional rant lately.

    This post was a bit more snarky than I usually care to be, but I’m hoping the reverse angle will really be just as helpful as if I gave the tips of what does make a site successful. In two simple words it’s: Lotsa work.

    I really do think people should blog just for themselves, and that’s really why I started this site.

    Not real sure what’s up with avatars – might be time to disband MBL altogether soon.

  • http://www.knupnet.com knupNET

    Very nice (and true) list! Added to my favorite links of the day!

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  • Nomadishere

    Damn good post Todd. This is exactly what I needed to read on an equally dreary IL day.

  • http://www.thethinkingblog.com ilker

    LOL! This was fun.. dugg! :)

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  • http://www.terryreeves.com Terry Reeves

    For some dumb reason, I recently added “search engine optimization” to a Google comprehensive news alert. You want to read some crappy blog posts? Google will find them and deliver them to your inbox all day long. Apparently, your advice is common knowledge. I just love reading a post that is a page long with no paragraphs and frequent misspellings from a “professional” who writes in long tail.

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  • http://www.linkworth.com Matt Stoddart

    If you ever want to extend this list to 21 reasons…

    21. MAKE SURE YOU CAPITALIZE EVERY SINGLE WORD AND FORGETTOLEAVESPACES SOMETIMES. IT MAKES YOU LOOK VERY CONFIDENT ANDBUSY.

    I got a big kick out of that, Todd….funny sh*t!

  • Marek

    Great list Todd… it kind of makes me a little uneasy… I guess it hits too close to home…

    :)

    Lots to think about…

  • http://net-review.co.uk seo beginner

    Cheers for that made me think about some of things I do.

    Was number 8 aimed at anyone???????????

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  • http://thearticlewriter.com/blog/2007/04/30/googles-pagerank-update-now-taking-hold/ Matt Keegan

    Gosh! You covered me so well! Thanks for the write up.

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  • http://asiangastronomist.com Susie

    That was a bit refreshing. Trust a New Yorker to give you a no bs about blogging. After coming across so many blogs that tell you to do this and do that and you will get massive traffic.. it’s nice to know what not to do. Great work. Now link to me.. seriously.

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  • http://blog.webdistortion.com Webmonkey-in-Ireland

    Good stuff there Todd, made me think about a few things on my own site myself.

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  • http://kirsaldatipokuyangay.blogspot.com/ Kırsalda Tıp Okuyan Gay

    fun and sooo true. lol.

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